Is Separation Anxiety Happening to Your Child?

Now that school’s (almost) out for the summer, your kids are probably about to embark on a whole lot of summer fun — and probably time away from you. Depending how well they’ve been previously acclimated to parental separation through things like sleepovers and even just learning to occupy themselves and not being attached at the waist during your every move, some children will handle extended separation better than others. Keep reading to learn what is (and isn’t) a sign of separation anxiety, what causes it, and what you can do about it.

The Facts

Before we discuss the causes and signs of separation anxiety and what you can do about it, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. If you think your child may be affected, he or she could be included in the 4-5% of U.S. children between the ages of 7 and 11. The effects of separation anxiety are believed to be less severe in teenagers, and both genders are equally afflicted.

Signs, Symptoms and Causes of Separation Anxiety

Surprisingly, age is not as much of a factor as you may think. Separation anxiety can be brought on and triggered by many things, including parental behavior. Parents who are unreasonably overprotective can often induce episodes of separation anxiety in their children, projecting their own anxieties onto the child and affecting his or her thinking. Also, upsetting events in a child’s life (along with the memories of those events) can cause separation anxiety to develop and rear its head at inopportune times. Events that may disturb a child and cause him or her to act fearful at the prospect of being separated from a parent can include the death of a loved one or pet at a young age, an injury requiring hospitalization, or a difficult move or change in environment and surroundings.

WebMD classifies the following behaviors or traits as signs that your child is dealing with separation anxiety:

An unrealistic and lasting worry that something bad will happen to the parent or caregiver if the child leaves
An unrealistic and lasting worry that something bad will happen to the child if he or she leaves the caregiver
Refusal to go to school in order to stay with the caregiver
Refusal to go to sleep without the caregiver being nearby or to sleep away from home
Fear of being alone
Nightmares about being separated
Bed wetting
Complaints of physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomachaches, on school days
Repeated temper tantrums or pleading

So What Can You Do?

Many parents’ instinct is to refrain from encouraging the child to engage in activities which may be socially beneficial to him or her, like sleepovers, summer camps, or trips without parents. This is actually more of a hindrance to the child because preventing him or her from participating in normal childhood activities will do nothing to reassure him or her that it is safe and that they can overcome this fear. Some parents feel guilty or unable to insist on such things when they see the pain and fear in their child’s eyes, but this is really a case where being firm (but patient) is likely to have a better outcome for your child.

For school trips or short-term vacations with friends, remind your child that a chaperone or another child’s parent will be able to protect them just as much as you would. If the child is more worried about you than himself, remind them that you’ve survived until this very day without avoiding certain things, and that includes your whole life before them.

If your child is hesitant to have a sleepover at a friend’s house but you’re desperate for some alone time or hoping it’ll acclimate them to extended absences like summer camp, try following some of the steps in our post, 7 Easy Tips for Preparing Your Child for a Sleepover. Giving them familiar and/or sentimental items, ensuring they’re well-fed, communicating effectively with the hosting parent, calling or video-chatting to check in, and being prepared for accidents are all tools you can use to increase your child’s comfort level when away from home.

Outgrowing Separation Anxiety

Last but not least, if your child’s separation anxiety becomes debilitating or you fear that he or she isn’t outgrowing it, a mental health professional who specializes in child disorders may be able to diagnose and treat your child through therapy, medication, or a combination of the two. The earlier the treatment is started, the better the outlook for the child. Most children do outgrow separation anxiety, or at least the intensity of it, although their symptoms may reappear when triggered by stressful events. Starting treatment early may better equip them to cope later in life.

Most importantly, offering compassion and support to your child is perhaps the most impactful way that you can help them recover. Do your best to be understanding and not to pressure or scold them, as bolstering their self-confidence is crucial to their progress.